THE LADYBIRD SIDESHOW GOES TO CUBA!
Friday, January 30th - Friday, February 6th

The last day of our vacation to Cuba felt like the last day of Summer vacation for a kid in elementary school. I’m sitting here in my frozen living room scrolling through my memories before they sink further in. Get them on paper before they dissipate completely.

About three weeks ago I woke up on a cold Monday morning to sub-zero temperatures and a wind chill dipping far below -30°. Add spending your day at the day job to that butt-load of disappointment and it’s a combination to push anyone over the edge. With all of the Christmas trees splayed out on snowy front lawns awaiting garbage pick-up, I had to ask my self “What’s to look forward to in Farch?”… Those two uncomfortable months of freeze and grey that usually leave traces of themselves well into May and sometimes even (knock wood) June. It was decided. I had to leave this place that has been disguising itself as my home. With very little convincing, I rounded up the Ladybird Sideshow entourage who all got on board. We would take a week down south to work on pre-production for our new record, relax and have FUN. The word on the street was that some people had made bets on whether or not we’d actually get some work done. What do you think? Planning ensued.

I’ve been to an all-inclusive resort before and found that after a couple of days I pretty much had the idea and was scrambling for things to do. But this time I figured it would be a good way to book a trip. It would be cheep, and the environment would help us work. After a bunch of searching for good locations and low prices, I booked us at a place called Villa Cojimar which was in Cayo Guillermo… a key connected to Cayo Coco which is part of a string of islands off the Northeastern coast of Cuba. I knew that this would really limit us in our ability to explore the Cuban culture, but without distractions we could work on music. So that was settled and we began to count down the seconds to departure.

Without further adieu here is the highlight reel from our trip to Cayo Guillermo:

• Buying Travel Medical Insurance drunk. I ended up getting drunk on a giant beer at Pearson International airport when Erin and I realized that we forgot to buy insurance for the trip. I ended up yelling over a cell phone call to my credit card company and sorting out the details. Modern conveniences.
• Skeeter and Neener’s room. After we had touched down in the overwhelming warmth of an ocean paradise (in the dark) and checked in, Erin and I wandered around the resort trying to find our room. The rooms were actually all of these cute little bungalows sprawled out all willy nilly, which made navigating at night a little tricky. When we found our room we were thrilled to discover that out our back door was a patio with chairs and we were only twenty feet from the ocean. Ocean view... Paradise. All the girls freshened up, had a round of mojitos and took to the disco.
• The discoteca. The disco was a wee bit cheesy, but this was totally part of the fun. Drinks were free until the place closed down at 2am. From the night we got there I only missed two nights of dancing at the disco. The disco nights were spent learning cheesy dances and getting our groove on after bucket-loads of Crystal, Bucanero and Mayanabo (all different brands of Cerveza… they all taste the same to me)… not to mention some sex on the beach.
• Jenny and Pipi (Louis). These two were part of the animation team as well as dancers in the main stage show. Watching them dance on stage was sometimes a little hokey, but seeing them dance together at the disco was awesome. When you remove the stringent routines, you’re left with some of the most passionate pelvic thrusting ever. It’s easy to feel like you can fall in love over and over again with each dance in Cuba.
• Boob flashing. I’m not totally sure how this ritual developed but when all of us ended up in the disco bathroom at the same time we would unabashedly flash our boobs at each other in the mirror. By the end of the trip we were taking photos. WHY GOD???
• The dock bar. After we closed down the disco (which we did every time we went) we staggered over to this little shack of a bar by the beach where you could grind and get down and dirty with party-hard tourists and some of the party-harder Cubans. Beers were a buck. We always had the silliest times here because we were feeling no pain and would end up doing things like table dancing, trying to grind uptight girls into corners (chasing them around with your scary, thrusting pelvis’) or having two minute romances with the man (men) of the night.
• Getting lost on the way to the bathroom. Melissa and I left the dock bar in search of my hotel room so we could pee. After a drunken wander we found ourselves out on the main road with army looking guys leering at us. Abort mission and we ended up peeing in someone’s flowers and stumbling back to the bar for more good times.
• Looking like Donna from That 70’s Show. The night we arrived I met Alex from Montreal and he mentioned that he thought I looked like Donna from That 70’s Show. This is prolly one of the most flattering compliments I’ve ever received since I’ve got a huge crush on Donna (aka myself… heh!).
• Singing on the Jetty. Our second day of our trip was spent nursing hangovers and laying on the jetty. I called it the Jetty, because it seems way too big to just be a dock. This dock jets out into the water several hundred feet and has a little palm covered hut at the end of it. We brought out a guitar and began just playing stuff and singing stuff together. We came up with a new arrangement to the song “Don’t follow” by Alice in Chains. It was really beautiful and we soon went back to our room and recorded it as well as worked up a heart-breaking version of Bjiork’s “Hyper Ballad”.
• Sunsets and bug bites. After our first day in the sun and some rehearsing some of the girls were down with taking a nap. I was still reeling from the pure joy of being in such an awesome place that I went for a long walk on the beach and watched the sun set over the island. These are moments that keep your soul full. After I walked back to the room to find the sleeping beauties still dreaming, I grabbed a guitar and sat on the beach for some solo time. This didn’t last too long as I began to get eaten alive by bugs. Note to the wise: do not venture out at dusk.
• Parsec. Our first dinner together was to the tune of sugar meets vinegar white wine (blech!) and the house band Parsec. They performed the most beautiful song for us and it still remains in my head. Lisa bought their record and I’ve had a listen (it’s a burnt CD) and I’m pretty sure that the band on the CD is not Parsec, so that’s a bit disappointing. I had hoped we had brought the lead singer’s amazing voice home with us…
• Long walks on the beach. On the Sunday after a night of rest and recuperation we took a long walk down the beach past a bunch of resorts and ended up stopping for a swim and sunbathe. The beach was definitely nicer further down the way at some of the 4 and 5 stars because the water had less seaweed and choral and was quite a bit deeper. We saw some larger, older ladies sitting around in a semi-circle in the water with pints of beer, laughing at each other’s jokes. We imagined that this is exactly how the Ladybird’s would be in about 40 years.
• Drunk Euchre. That night after dinner we sat around at the beach bar and played drinking euchre. We got drunk.
• Dancing with Jesus. The show on Monday night was right bad. It was a modern dance show about the evolution of dance. It had a lot of experimental aspects and though I’m sure a lot of people were riveted, for a bunch of drunk girls this was not the idea of an entertaining show. It only got really good when the dancers brought out a full-sized cross with someone playing the role of Jesus nailed to the cross. I knew what they were trying to do, but it was just too cheesy for words. All the girls were trying to figure out which staff member was playing Jesus. I thought that it was probably this guy Michel who Melissa thought looked like Dwayne Wayne from A Different World, ‘cept with greasier Gino hair. Sure enough, at the end of the show when Jesus jumps of the cross to do the Villa Cojimar dance, it was indeed Michel. Melissa and I ran up to the front and danced along with the cast to the tune of “How do women like it?” (*bend forward* *bend forward*) and “How do Men do?” (*pelvic thrust* *pelvic thrust*).
• ”Too high. Too high.” When the Jesus show was over, we took our drunk selves down to the beach where we began to do some improv scatting on Erin’s song “Better in the Gutter”. Soon our voices were reaching such piercing octaves that we were drawing some attention. Fat Fucker the Shit Eater came to tell us that we had to stop. We asked him if it was because we sang badly, and he said it was only ‘cause we sang too high. You’ll know how he came to be known as FFtSE soon. Keep your pants on… or don’t.
• More debauchery on the beach. After we were kicked off the beach for singing “too high” we went back to our room with an ocean view and recorded some of the scatting because we thought it was cool. Most of the girls failed to remember this detail later, but I’m sure our neighbours had nightmares about it. After a bit of a tooting contest we took to the disco for another crazy night. I can’t remember so much of this night save for the fact that it was prolly really fun. I think we ended up bailing on the dock bar because the men were just getting too grabby and gross. I think that this was the night that we attempted to grind with uptight girls, but that happens all the time so who can remember? The four of us went for a walk along the beach and Mel said we should go skinny dipping. Since booze pretty much evaporates inhibitions, I was the first to strip down and begin wading out with the other girls quickly following suit. Funny thing about where we were staying is that you could walk out for hundreds of feet and the water would get no deeper than your kneecaps. At night there is low tide, so our skinny dipping pretty much consisted of the Nudebird Pornshow dancing around in the moonlight in ankle-deep ocean. What put a damper on our little pantiless parade was that Fat Fucker the Shit Eater who had kicked us off the beach earlier and then had spent the night trying to grind with us at the bar had then waded out into the water to watch us dance around. At first some of the ‘birds thought we were getting in trouble. Not for singing “too high” but rather for dancing “too nude”. As we quickly made our way back to shore covering our unmentionables, he had pretty much blocked Lisa from trying to get to shore and was trying to peel her arms away from her chest to have a peek. What’s worse is that when we got back to the beach two more security guards with a flashlight showed up and were putting the spotlight on us. I tried to grab the flashlight and was telling them to fuck off. Maybe they don’t understand what that means, but I was so livid I was ready to start swinging if they didn’t leave. Soon enough they started leaving the scene, but I was kind of shocked at how angry I got. I was more angry at the fact that we were all enjoying a totally non-sexual commune with one another and the natural world (forgive me for sounding hippy-dippy, but that’s truly what it was) and some stupid, horny men had to come around and totally sexualize the situation and ruin it for us. I have to say that I never felt threatened for a moment because I was so angry that I knew I could’ve taken all three of them if they pushed the envelope (clothes or no clothes). Still, regardless of the interruption, our gesture was totally honest and not self-conscious in the least.
• Our debut in Cuba. After making some friends in high places, we were offered a show at the resort to do an opening slot for the main stage show. We spent a couple of days rehearsing and coming up with a set list and were scheduled to play on Tuesday night. It would be the first Ladybird show where we had to mic guitars and play musical microphones without the luxury of monitors. A few nervous moments followed, and we hit the stage and played a short set. I think we performed better than we thought because we ended up making a bunch of new friends and fans. All in all, an awesome experience to make our debut in Cuba.
• Michel. Though he makes a laughable Jesus and heckles us during our concerts, Michel sports a mean diaper and treated the girls very sweetly. He called us ‘mangos’… Which we figured were pure boob references, but later discovered that it meant beautiful or something. “Spiderman! I love dis movie!” One night at the disco Michel was dancing with me all slow and romantic-like and asked me for a kiss. Since I got pretty good at fake kissing in drama class in high school I totally planted a passionate one on him as the girls freaked out from the sidelines because it looked so real. Michel fell to the floor in disbelief so I jumped on top and gave him more of the sweet action. I don’t know why I’m writing about this… it was just funny at the time. Heh!
• The stolen purse. Tuesday was a weighty night for the masses. Lots of slow dancing, heavy conversations and feelings amid the flowing beer. Somehow we had lost track of Skeeter, so Melissa and I quickly split the scene in search for that cute ‘bird in hopes that she was ok. We found her sleeping in the hotel room. She had bailed as she was quickly tiring from fending of the grinding pelvises and wanted to call Ross. I couldn’t blame her. Mel and I made our way back to the bar and then had lost track of Lisa, and it appeared that Smell’s purse had gone missing from the bar. So we were now trying to find a Lease and a purse. We found Lisa hanging out on the beach but after futile attempts to find a black bag in the dark, we reported the purse missing and called it a night.
• Pilar Beach and the Chicken Ride. When we first arrived in Cuba, Erin asked me if there would be chicken coops on our bus ride into the resort. I laughed. But on Wednesday when we took a cab to Playa Pilar, I’m pretty sure that the bus had been graced by the presence of chickens (and Satan himself) in the past. Even though the ride was sheisty and bumpy, we made it to the beach alive. Pilar Beach is a much nicer stretch of beach with deeper ocean to swim in. So we stripped down to our swim suits and played in the waves for a bit. Most of the day was spent basking in the sun. It was gorgeous. Only downfall was that all of the girls - save me - ended up with really brutal sunburns of one kind or another. I’ve learned to expect what my skin will do under this kind of sun, so I knew when to flip my pancake or throw a lid on the frying pan so I wouldn’t become a lobster. Skeeter’s cute tummy had quite the spicy romance with Mr. Aloe Vera for the remainder of the week.
• Pool Bar concert. Some friends from Montreal were planning to have a beach party that night since they would be leaving the following morning. They invited us to bring our guitars and play music. Since the wind was really high, we decided to take the party somewhere quieter and we instead played in the pool bar area to a gathering crowd mostly from Ontario and Quebec. It was one of the more coherent nights of play and we made some great friends who will be sorely missed. It sucks to have to say goodbye to a friend who has somehow become an important fixture in your life so quickly. But as with all things, 7 days in paradise must also reach a sudden and sobering end.
• Melissa’s yellow terry muumuu with the frog pocket. The following morning we all slept in with heavy hearts and heavy dreams knowing that soon we would spirited back to the freezing weather and humdrum of the day to day. Erin and I went to Mel and Lisa’s room to find Mel wearing a cute yellow terry muumuu with a frog pocket. When it began to downpour Mel ran outside and we got pictures of Mental-case Mel running around in the tropical storm.
• Espresso high. Usually I don’t drink coffee because I find it leaves me feeling ill. But for some reason I felt moved to have an espresso. Skeet followed suit. And after we had gone back to wake Melissa from an afternoon nap, I was feeling no pain. That stuff jacked me right up! So Melissa was on bored and she and I had three more espressos a piece. By the time we got back to room I was dancing around and singing show tunes. It had a very similar affect on me as ephedrine. Getting up is great and you feel hyper, but coming down leaves you antsy and uncomfortable. You know you want to keep busy, but you don’t know what to do.
• Heavy-hearted Neener. The espresso high was quickly replaced by more rare beasts over dinner as we drank wine and I lamented and felt so heart-heavy at the thought of this week and all of the amazing adventures coming to an end. I felt this same heart-heavy feeling on our first tour in 2002 when we were leaving Halifax and crossing the bridge into Dartmouth. I remembered just feeling like I was sinking into the back seat of the van. So heavy with happiness, sadness, change, loss and love. And I felt this again. So what better to do then keep drinking and go out with a bang?
• Our last night in paradise. I can’t remember how much wine I drank, or at which point I started drinking beer, but I remember that there were sumo wrestlers, cave men, Melissa sporting a grapefruit in her crotch (which I ate the following morning), crawling on my belly at the disco to go between a four year olds legs, having my boobs photographed, a dense Cuban guy falling in love with a very aloof Skeeter, sharing a plate of spaghetti with the Ladybird Sideshow at 3am, a drunken stumble down the jetty, another naked dance under the full moon in ankle deep ocean, a cockroach named Steve and a really really really horrid soft-core porn, which I fell asleep watching. Those su-huh-mer-ni-hi-hi-hi-i-i-i-ights!
• Stogies and Cards. The following day we discovered that our flight was delayed by about 5 hours. We would be flying out of Cuba at 3am and getting to Toronto around 6:30am. By this time we were all so sad that the only thing we could do was smoke cigars and play euchre.
• ”I HATE THIS PLACE”. The worst part of the trip was spending four hours in the Cayo Coco airport. It was too bright, freezing and smoky, with kids crying and people being obnoxious. Impossible to sleep. We ended up playing MASH (a girl’s slumber party fortune telling game). I think this was just foreshadowing for the feeling of being back in the cold of Toronto. My soul-mate is John MacLean, by the way.
• Friendly faces at Pearson. I mentioned to Skeeter on the plane home that the only thing I wanted to see when we landed was a friendly face so we didn’t have to take some cab home at that ungodly hour. Thankfully my awesome brother Jason and Mavreen were there waiting all bleary-eyed from no sleep to chauffeur us back to our homes. We shared some hugs and some tears with one another before we parted ways, each of us with a full heart and looking forward to next year’s trip far away from the snow.

In the end, I still believe that too much of a good thing is no good. If these experiences didn’t have a shelf life, then how could they have such a profound impact on our lives? Plus, after this week, if our record doesn’t turn out as we anticipate I’m pretty sure that the Ladybird’s could market their own “When Girls Go Wild” video.

That's the ticket,
Neener

02/08/04

Janine's Spring Tour Run-Down
(Crotch-Canada 2003)

Hey everybody,

Isn't it weird how getting out and shaking things up can totally reaffirm what's really important? This tour did that for me big time, and I'm glad about it. Just the fact that we pulled in enough money to do better than break even was really fortunate. I feel so lucky to have these girls in my life. Last night I rode my bike home from work in the torrential downpour. That's kind of out of character for me, but damn was it fun. I was beyond soaked, but I didn't care, because I had no where to be and nothing to do but just be in that moment. And Budha knows that that wet ride home would be by far the most eventful occurrence of my humdrum day. Makes me understand more so that this life will probably only happen once so better go big or go home.

That being said, the tour with the Ladybird Sideshow was a total gas. Literally (yes, literally, David Cross). Want the highlight reel? You got it:

CROTCH-CANADA TOUR
With the Greasybird Greaseshow
The Highlight Reel

• Getting loaded at Pearson. Neener Pantserelli (me) is kinda scared to fly since a bad experience with a Jamaican hangover had her tossing her bile in every bathroom in the Philadelphia airport. Skee Smith (Erin) put all my worries at ease with some celebratory pre-tour beers before we headed to Vancouver. The flight seemed to take minutes.
• The sweet-ass reunion. Seeing Smelly McClelland, Lease Winn and Mouis David at the airport was too great. They all looked so cute and different with tans and new hair that I almost didn’t recognize them. If it weren’t for them humping my leg, I likely would’ve walked right by them without taking any notice. We stayed up ‘til all hours catching up and playing songs for one another. Too good.
• The first morning in Vancity. Vancouver really is Van City. Full of VW mini buses and supped up Econolines. Walking outside in the morning was awesome. Beautiful and sunny (this great weather continued for the entire tour). Seeing the mountains for the first time and taking in the tropical shrubbery. Lisa and I went for a long walk with her dog Jake. This could be one of the most awesome places on earth. Then I saw this stock room boy at Shopper’s Drug Mart get in an aggressive shoving match with some crackhead. That sucked.
• Jamming with the ‘birds. The first jam session in months with the girls was too amazing. We worked up some crazy vocal arrangements to some new songs reminding me how effortless and fun working with the ‘birds is. They just so darn talented.
• The Canucks losing game 7. Sorry Vancouver, but if someone hadn’t have lost before the end of the third period then the Ladybird Sideshow concert would’ve taken a backseat to 10 periods of over-time game play at the Railway Club. The gig was great. Huge honkin’ drunk fans. No monitors… so we sounded like we were in a fishbowl, but whacks of fun times just the same. Thanks to Mark Browning for a great opening set and a hard and heavy ass! I think I’m gonna to change yer name to Charlie Horse.
• The ferry ride to Victoria and mechanical massage chairs. I wasn’t anticipating that the ferry would be so sweet or that the ride would be long and wonderful. Sunny day. Massage chairs. Vending machines. What would be better? It all reminded me of boating through parts of northern Ontario. Only BIGGER.
• Lucky Bar and lucky to see Jeremy Fisher. It’s rare that I stop and allow myself to be floored by another musician’s talents. Jeremy Fisher blew me away. 3 standard chord tunes with so much energy, emotion and poetic wisdom that you stare with your mouth agape (drooling). A total treat to discover that Jeremy was a local Hamilton dude and had recorded with my friend/producer Michael Birthelmer years ago. Michael used to tell me about the band the Obvious (Jeremy used to be a member) but I never caught them playing in my town. Funny that Jeremy and I should meet up all the way on the other side of the country. The ‘birds performed a great show to a very sedate Victoria audience. Thanks to Dan at the bar for the fancy shooters and to Adam on sound for being cute and doing an amazing job at making the ‘birds sound stupendous (in such little time… sorry). The Lucky Bar has their shit together, folks. Thanks to the Traveler’s Inn for the sweet discount. On a side note, Victoria is absolutely gorgeous. Wish I had had more time to giver in that city.
• Jay’s shit eating talk. Nuff said.
• From White Rock to Edmonton. Mavreen’s mom was kind enough to have us take over her home in White Rock for a night and then see us off in the morning. The drive to Edmonton was fantastic. I thought I would be exhausted from a 12 hour haul, but every moment was awesome. I got to do the first leg of the drive and since I’d never seen the mountains that close I probably almost killed us a bunch of times from the “Holy Fucks” coming out of my face every three seconds. The sights in Jasper were so intense. I can’t get over how beautiful our country is. We’re very lucky Canadians.
• Everything Edmonton. There was something about Edmonton… Maybe it was the fact that we had such good luck in this city, but it was probably one of my best times on this tour. The city itself is flat and not much to write home about. But we were able to drum up a bunch of great press and even snagged a spot on the Edmonton CTV noon news. I was about the poop myself or pass out due to nerves since we would be performing Road Block live to air. Thankfully the performance Gods were with us and we all did really well. Erin even pulled out the double-tap-flying-elbow during the interview portion. Sweet deal! After that we hit the Sidetrack for sound check. It took a millisecond, which is another friggin’ great thing about working with the girls. After that we met up with Luka Symons who was taping a radio interview with us for her CKLU show “Grapefruit Moon”. That went well but the real treat was having Luka play a tune for us. She’s an amazing singer/songwriter. Check her out if you get a chance. We had some time to kill so the Ladybird Sideshow got sucked into West Edmonton Mall. Met some friends of Jesus, and some fans who came out to the show. The show at the Sidetrack was by far my favourite performance wise. The girls all had their game faces on. We even worked up a new tune backstage fifteen minutes before show time. Now those are mad ass skills, yo! Thanks to all of the new fans for buying so much swag. Thanks to the cute girls from Jasper, Edmonton and Montreal and Andrew for the beers and nachos. My new stage name will be MC Hyper Vent with the hit single “Fuck the Scale”. A big huge thank you goes to our Edmonton Mother, Donna, for allowing us to do it up home styles at her beautiful digs. You were amazing, mom. Edmonton LOVES the ‘birds! And we love Edmonton.
• Fackin’ Calgary! Calgary was a fun time, but what the fack is up with your street system, guys? You’d think it would be easy to navigate yourself around when all of the Streets and Avenues are numbered. But throw a huge fackin’ crater in the middle of it all and you are FACKED! Aside from driving in Calgary, the show at Karma was really fun. Had to rent some missing gear and do our own (crappy) sound, but other than that, people seemed to dig on the Ladybird Sideshow vibe. Thanks go out to Dave and Lisa for being a great host and hostess, supplying us with Chai Lattés (Starbucks and Non-Starbucks for those on the boycott wagon) and fancy omelettes in the morning. Thanks also to Christian for letting us take over your space while you were away in Vancouver. Fackin’ Calgary. Awesome.
• The prairies. Everyone told us that the prairies would be the most excruciating part of the haul. It was by far one of my favourite drives. I was amazed by how different the geography was in each of the provinces we visited. Saskatchewan seems so sparse and peaceful. And it isn’t really flat like they say… more rolling and beautiful. But then again, everything looks beautiful through yer soccer mom sun glasses. We had to stop for a moment to take in the scents, the photo ops and the mosquito bites. But what’s up with “Welcome to Swift Current: One of the top ten in the country”. Top ten what? The pro-life billboards littering the TransCan were a swanky touch.
• (not) Hearing Melissa on the radio in Regina Saskatchewan. We arrived in Regina late on Wednesday. Tired and hungry. In our search for food, Melissa and Erin made their way into some pub to see if it was Vegan-friendly and Moe waited in the car. I walked up to the car and Moe said “Listen to this… Melissa is on the radio”. I raced into the bar and grabbed Smell freaking about her being on the radio in Regina, Saskatchewan. We all ran outside and gathered around the car blaring Melissa McClelland on some local Regina station. As we tossed around congratulations and thoughts of Melissa wearing fur coats and phat diamond rings in her Jacuzzi over-looking the Pacific Ocean, we soon realized that she was not on the radio and that the phantom CD player in the trunk of the car that had been broken forever had mysteriously started working again. We spent the next few hours consoling Melissa in her swift fall from fame at the local Kelsey’s. That night we snuck Jake into a cheep hotel. We got caught in the morning, but the sweet old gal behind the counter didn’t make it a big deal. At least he didn’t poop on the carpet. Or did he??? A quick trip to Tim Horton’s and Regina Saskatchewan was a cheep memory of tracheotomies, Giant Labatt Ice, French Onion Soup gone wrong, and Mathew Broderick movies.
• Winnipeg… She’s stinky-assed but the people are pretty. Not my favourite city in the world. Reeked of diesel (their buses don’t run on Natural Gas) and dusty as hell. We went to a semi-swanked out restaurant called Earl’s where all of the waiters looked like they should be models. We sat and discussed dirty things that Lisa could do to one of the hunkier guys. We had such good fortune that our order was lost in the kitchen and the management felt bad and gave us our food and a dessert for free. So after a pile of quesadillas and an $11 platter of fattening cakes we took our full bellies back to the Pyramid Cabaret for our show. In the ladies room I found a week old poster from when Grand Theft Bus played there a week earlier. I took it as a memento. Hope those guys are having as good a time west as we are. Cat Jahnke opened with a wonderful set and the ‘birds all played amazingly under the circumstances. The turn out at the show was dismal. We didn’t even make enough to pay off the sound guy. Thankfully the ‘Peggers at the Pyramid were so sweet to us and quite forgiving. I guess it’s impossible to be angry at 4 cute-ass ladies. Thanks to Bruce and Martin for being so cool about it. Thanks also to Rob for trying your damndest to promote us on the radio, and to the Winnipeg Sun for putting in a blurb. The biggest thanks goes out to Cat for running around town gathering blankets, towels and air mattresses to put us up right. The starburst (as opposed to mints) for our pillows was a very sweet touch. Sharing a giant beer with Kevin and Russ was cool too. Sweet dudes.
• Thundering Women drinking tequila. We came close to being right late for our show in Thunder Bay, but Jenn and Outside the Lines were so forgiving and cute. All was well. Outside the Lines played a really fun opening set. I be diggin’ on the Indigo Girls. Melissa and I shot tequila and drank beers before our set. It was Melissa’s birthday celebration night so we were going to do it up right (drunken). Melissa was pretty loaded during the set, but once her face was on the microphone she was flawless. Every once in a while in mid-song she would stumble back and leer at me, all glazed over. Awesome! Half way through the set all performance etiquette was tossed out the window as audience members started bringing us all shots of tequila and beers. To not drink would be rude… so we got down to business and partied it up. After the set we stumbled around the bar and signed autographs and then we headed to Jenn and Vaiki’s for a post-show party. Dill Pickle chips almost seemed like a good idea and the jam session was definitely a good idea. At one point Erin grabs a guitar and starts to play Road Block. I sat back and watched in silence as my girls sang my tune. Surreal and cool. Even Moe busted out harmonies. After a few more hours of cute girls trying to convert me to the wonderful world of lesbianism it was time to retire. I chugged water and woke up with only a slight trace of a hangover. Melissa had a puke party. A totally fun night!
• The last leg home. It was long. But there is something very mysterious and beautiful about Lake Superior. It’s like she is God’s very own lake. A dense, heavy cloud rest upon the lake as we wound around her. So still and silent. It put me at peace after the long trip across the country with my favourite girls on the planet.
• Arriving home. With my garden and the trees in bloom on a beautiful sunny day, coming back to Toronto felt wonderful. But I’ve got a bigger itch to scratch now. Can’t wait to do it all again.

Thanks to everyone who helped us along the way on this tour. We appreciate your efforts so much as without you we would not be able to accomplish so many good things on this trip. A very special thanks goes to Mavreen David for being an excellent tour manager. You took on the worry for us so that we could focus on the art. You’re an amazing friend, masseuse and smoocher. Heh! Finally, thanks to Erin, Mel and Lisa. I love you guys so much it’s just dumb.

Until Australia,
Neener

05/21/03

Erin's Spring Tour Run-Down
(Crotch-Canada 2003)

The Greasybird Greaseshow Westcoast Tour was amazing. Hands down, kick ass, productive fun. I had a wicked time and laughed so hard my spleen hurt. Big thanks and hugs to Janine, Mavreen, Melissa & Lisa - I love you long time.

I'm going to write a bit about the highlights here, and try not to duplicate what Neener has written as much as possible.

• Ladybird Grooves - With some reunion rehearsal time, all four of us 'Birds set up some solid four part vocal harmony. It feels great to be making use of the heaping whack of talent to be found amongst our group and I think we were able to really floor people with the four-part performance. Everything from four-part lullaby to four part wailing funk. To quote Neener "Fackin' Awesome."
• Best Review - I think the most flattering review of our show came from Kevin in Winnipeg who plays in Cat Jahnke's band. He said he was doubtful after reading our poster that we could cover all the stylistic ground we claimed we would cover. But after the show he confirmed that we'd made good on each and every one of those claims - not just a bunch of put-you-to-sleep singer/songerwriters as he had imagined. Now that's cool!
• Airport Bar - Neener Pants and I started the tour by taking 2.5 seconds to get from the baggage check to the airport bar. Beer is good for kids like Miss Neen who feel like puking on planes. We flew on Jetsgo, where the stewardesses wear green happy faces and brown leather jackets. Sweet. They tried to get us to take off our belts and shoes at Airport Security. Cheeky buggers.
• Bruce - Some Ladybirds wake up cheery and revived. Other Ladybirds wake up low-voiced and surly. Melissa and I were inhabited by Bruce each morning and he would gruffly grumble about until things got underway. Let the record show, mind you, the Janine can do a wicked man voice for the first hour or so after she wakes up. More of a Clarence than a Bruce, if you will.
• Fackin' Calgary - In the city of Calgary, 32 comes right after 54. Big love to Lisa & Dave for feeding us and playing hosts in Christian's house. And Christian, sorry if we made your house smell like stinky girls and your tent smell like dog.
• Soccer Mom's Driving - Neener-pants snagged a wicked pair of seventies soccer mom sunglasses from Melly, and wore them for almost the entire trip. They made the greens more green, ya know? But watch out when soccer mom is driving in the mountains! Although she is totally in control behind the wheel, she tends to steer toward what she looks at.....
• Lisa & the men of Earl's- Apparently the restaurant called Earl's only hires hot people and Lisa loves them. Especially one particular waiter, though we discouraged her from jumping him because he had frosted tips on his hair. That, my friends, is a warning sign that you'll spend your entire relationship fighting over the bathroom.
• Dairy Queen - Dairy Queen is NOT dairy free.
• Grease the Pig - Janine's infamous dance move as performed by Mavreen's Mom upon our first meeting with her. "Oh! Janine, I know your dance."
• Censorship of Neen - We played "Road Block" on the Noon News in Edmonton, and that song says "ass" in it. After deciding that Janine should replace that with "butt" we started running the song in the green room. But every time we got to the "butt" part, Janine would say "ass" instead, then yell "FUCK!". Now that's censorship for ya. ;o)
• The Same Damn Question Every Journalist Asks - "Do you get along? Must be lots of cat fights eh?"
• Erin's really bad press quote - "We're just goofs and we feed off of each others' goofiness." - Winnipeg Sun
• Tomato Rodriguez - My friend Luka Symons interviewed us for her Grapefruit Moon Radio Show and I persuaded her to perform her song "Tomato Rodriguez" for the girls. Luka is just freakin' awesome. I'm kicking myself that I didn't invite her onstage at the Edmonton show that night.
• Suave Smith - I did an interview live to radio on a cell phone while driving through the Rockies. Now that is suave. Especially since I STILL talk into cell phones like they're walky talkies.
• Swift Current - "Welcome to Swift Current. One of the Top Ten in the Country!" What the....???
• Full Moon over the Prairies - 'Nuff said.
• Courtesy Swipe - The "Courtesy Swipe" is how one road-weary and stanky musician shows their comrades that they care. By applying a courtesy swipe of deodorant every now and again, the armpits are kept marginally at bay and the car smells slightly less nasty than it might.
• Awesome Edmonton Show - I think we played our best show of the tour in Edmonton, with our performance in Winnipeg cashing in at a close second. We had great press in this town and a hilarious noon News TV spot (I gave the news caster the flying-double-tap-elbow....not hard though). We were even recognized in the West Edmonton Mall! Okay, so there are dolphins in the West Edmonton Mall (totally wrong) and the locals call them "Mallphins".
• Lisa's Truck - We're talking 1989 standard truck with no power steering, no horn, a coat hanger for an antenna and no interior lights. Picture Skee Smith PEELING out of gas stations yelling "Watch out! I don't know how to drive this thing!". But you have to hand it to the truck because it has made it all the way to Vancouver and back without falling to pieces.
• Giant Beer - Neen and I have a tradition of buying giant sized beer where ever we find it. Previously the giant beer was believed to be strictly native to gas stations in Quebec. Not so. It can be found in the prairies as well, dear reader.
• Impressing the Label Types - After meeting an A & R person who had flown in to watch our Winnipeg show, we proceeded to charm him in that off-colour, Ladybird kind of a way. When we apologized for our extreme dorkiness, he said "That's okay. I saw the picture of Melissa eating a chocolate bar with her feet from your last tour. It's on your website."
• Overwhelmingly Positive Crowd Response - 'Nuff said.
• Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday - As most ESB fans & friends can attest, I never touch alcohol until after I've finished a show because it makes me suck. And it makes me think I'm smart while getting progressively goofier with a microphone in my hand. 'Nuff said. But in Thunder Bay I ended up shooting tequila on stage because someone bought us a round of shots, it was Smelly's birthday party, and some of the Birds were half in the bag anyways. I am amazed that a glossy-eyed and stumbling Melissa can play & sing perfectly. It's crazy! After the show we hung at the bar and took lots of nutso pictures and then went back to Jen & Vaiki's for more booze and sing-alongs. I played and sang "Road Block" for Janine and "Jaded" for Melissa. I think I should start a Ladybird cover band... ;o) At the end of the night we crawled in to bed (which, incidentally, one Ladybird puked in) feeling totally smashed but totally high on the final night of a great great tour.
• Ontario - Where the cities never show up....
• Mad Props to Our Homies - We owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people. Thanks to Mavreen for her fantastic Tour Management and for the booking (and for just being so damn cute and fun!), Ed McClelland for the car, Jake for the truck (hehe), Lisa & roomies for the Vancouver digs, George for dinner and kind words about my dad, Mark Browning for a great opening set, the Canucks for at least getting the hell off the ice before midnight, Jay Gordon for being freakin' hysterical (and of course props go to his alter ego April Lo Hing), BC ferries for providing massage chairs and good salt & vinegar chips, Jeremy Fisher for being really damn good, Adam at Lucky Bar for liking us even though we were late, the whole David family for the support (and for making one damn fine Moe), Donna for our Edmonton home, Luka Symons, all the press & radio who picked up our story, Dave, Lisa & Christian for the Calgary home, Travelodge for letting us sneak in a dog, Tim Horton's for existing in the first place, Swift Current for providing a good laugh, Cat Jahnke for being such a lovely host and great performer, giant beer for existing in the first place, sour cherry blasters for tearing the roof off my mouth, Outside the Lines for a great set, toleration of tardy 'Birds and accommodation (what a party!), and of course, huge thanks to everyone who came out and supported us at each of these shows. Hope you like the CDs! Biggest run on sentence EVER....

Once again, the biggest, phattest most sloppy kiss to my girls. I can't even tell you how much fun I had.

*Skee Smith

05/21/03

Janine's Summer 2002 Tour Reflections
(Mother Folker Tour)

Fredericton

Sitting here at Erich's house. Just finished uploading some road photos to the site. It's been absolutely awesome so far. From buying giant beers from the gas station in Quebec yesterday to Melissa's pants falling down in a parking lot at a road side diner - it's been amazing. I'm so happy to be bonding with these ladies and sharing my darkest secrets. We played in Ottawa at Rasputin's on Friday night and the crowd was very warm and sweet. Sold plenty of CDs and Dean at Rasputin's treated us well with whacks of food. We decided to do the long 10.5 hour drive in to Fredericton from Ottawa yesterday to suprise Grand Theft Bus at their show at the Capital. Very glad we did! We hit Erich's place around 9:45pm and started chugging back our giant beers from Quebec. From that moment on the night just got terribly unruley. Folks at the Capital were awesome - with the exception for the classy gents who think that women like to have their asses grabbed. Lisa and I almost kicked the crap out of some guy. Well, we talked about doing it while we were in the bathroom, but he had disappeared by the time we went outside. As for the boys in the band, they were awesome as usual and plugging our show tonight like crazy. At one point us four drunkards even got up on stage and busted out some improv harmonies - total DIVA! Dragging Lisa off the stage was out of the question. From that point on we got up on the benches and shaked booty. By the end of the night we weren't quite ready to head to bed so we hit a party down the street from where we were staying and had a dance party in the living room. Today we've been carefully nursing hangovers and hit a diner for a huge whack of Chocolate explosion cake and breakfast type foods. We just finished up a 3 hour jam session and worked up several of our tunes for tonights show. We hope that people come out, but we're told the the Captial is dead on Sundays. Fingers are crossed. Tomorrow we head to Halifax. This tour is flying by. It'll be so sad when it ends because we're all having so much fun together. I love these girls.

Fond Quotes and inside jokes

"Hi I'm Hy I'm high"
~Janine Stoll

"His name's Poseidum 'cause you're sittin' beside 'em"
~Mary

"Big hunks of chunky bugs"
~Erin Smith

"Eat dick!"
~Melissa McClelland

"It's not a joke"
~Mafia guy

"I like what I see"
~Sergio

"GARBAGE!!!"
~Janine Stoll

Tour Nicknames:
"Trucker Butt Smith"
"Pavement Licker McClelland"
"Booger-head Winn"
"Take-one-for-the-team Janine"

~JS.

Melissa's Summer 2002 Tour Reflections
(Mother Folker Tour)

Twenty minutes into our tour and I'm already feeling slightly dishevelled due to the jaunt from the parking lot to the Tim Hortons during a heavy downpour. We may be a little damp and sleepy and it's raining like a mother folker, but we are giddy with excitement that our tour has officially started. We're piled into Erin's trusty touring van with tons of gear in the back. Plenty of music, books and a casio keyboard I purchased at Value Village for $6.99 to keep us occupied during the long drives. We arrive at Rasputins in Ottawa excited for our first show of the tour. The venue is an intimate restaurant/venue with yummy vegetarian food and signs on the tables asking costumers to please be quiet during performances. The show is a huge success. Wonderful audience and plenty of CD sales. We opt for an early night since we leave for a ten hour drive to Fredricton early in the morning.

Fredricton

Let the party begin! We arrive in Fredricton with giant beers in hand that we had purchased at a Quebec gas station. The drive up consisted of a full out jam session of the song 'oh Susanna' (thanks to the casio keyboard) and a quick detour to hit the hot tourist spot 'magnetic mountain'. Tonight is our first night off so we head to the Capitol to see 'Grand Theft Bus' play to their many adoring east coast fans. We get right in there and boogy on top of the bar benches. Later in the evening we even manage to sneak up on stage and chant in drunken slurs for ten minutes in 4 part harmony. Ouch. We stay at the Capitol past last call making friends and keeping the bartender busy pouring drinks. We end up at a house party down the street and eventually, in the wee hours of the morning find our way back to the house we're staying at. The next day we nurse our first official tour hangovers with a greasy breakfast and lots of coffee. We head back over to the Capitol where we have such fond memories and start to set up our gear. Gig number 2 is also a success. Our parts are getting more solid and we're having so much fun hanging out and playing music together. No cat fights yet.

Halifax

We spend three nights in Halifax. First night we hit the casino, order fancy drinks and play the 5 cent slot machines. I'm feeling rather lucky and end up winning a whopping $30. We decide to celebrate at a Celtic bar with more drinks. We dance to the folk music and hang out with Mike who has generously put us up for the three nights. 2:30 in the morning we all end up at Appleby's eating grilled cheeses and playing a game of truth. Oh the secrets I hold! Our second night we end up going to a popular open mic night to promote our upcoming show. We whoop it up on stage and me and Janine even have some elaborate dance moves we came up with earlier that day busking in the park. On our final day in Halifax I decide to take 30 minutes of alone time and bike around all the pretty neighbourhoods before heading down to the Velvet Olive for our spot on the 6 o'clock news. Besides the TV spot, we've also got a great article about our show in the Halifax Hereld. According to the article my new name is Allysa (with a 'y'). She quickly becomes the fifth member of our group taking over our bodies during moments of extreme road rage. That Allysa is one scary lady. Our show that night turns out to be our most successful yet. We are really getting into our groove on stage and the venue is packed with enthusiastic people. The tour is going by way too quickly!

Saint John

The drive up is gorgeous and it is the first sunny and hot day of our tour. Saint John is charming even though they refuse to put lines on the roads making for adventurous drives through the downtown core. Before our show me and Lisa hike down a trail leading to the water. There are about a hundred shades of green and not a cloud in the sky. I don't even bother taking photo's cause I know that a picture cant possibly capture just how beautiful everything is right now. Our show at the university turns out to be one of our smallest gigs, but we play a great set and sell a bunch of CD's none the less.

Old Quebec City

This turns out to be my favourite place on the tour. It's our night off and we decide to treat ourselves to a fancy stay in an old hotel within the walls of old Quebec city. I love it here. I feel like I've been transported back through time. We have a wonderful night full of drinking, dining and female bonding. We reminisce about the tour and cant believe it's almost over. We never expected to all get along so well and have quite this much fun. The musical aspect of the trip has also completely surpassed any of our expectations.

Montreal

We're all so sad that this is our last night of the tour, but we're glad to be spending it in Montreal. We drop off our bags at Aaron's apartment and I convince everyone to go out for dinner to my favourite restaurant in Montreal called Chu Chai. After dinner we find the Yellow door café and prepare for our final show. To my surprise, about 6 friends of mine show up for our gig; some of them all the way in from Toronto. We play to an almost full house and our last set gets a little unruly with some crazy free stylin'. At one point we even spontaneously break out into an old dirty bastard song. We end the set with a cheesy, but sentimental group hug. Now to celebrate the end of our tour... I drag about 13 of us down to 'bar Diana'. A place with an abundance of character, cheap drinks and an interesting (to say the least) clientele. I've been to this bar before to see 'duo star fire' the middle aged couple who have about 200 cover songs programmed into their computer. They play till closing every night to some of the most colourful characters in Montreal. We spend the night drunk, dancing like crazy people (and even dancing with some crazy people) and singing a song alongside 'duo star fire'. Some mafia man sitting in the back all night keeps buying rounds of shots for the entire bar. This place is gold. We stumble back to Aaron's at 4am and wake up in the morning feeling the symptoms our final hangover. I will never ever forget this tour.

~MM.

Erin's Summer 2002 Tour Reflections
(Mother Folker Tour)

I read the reflections of Janine and Melissa before writing my own, which was probably a bad idea 'cause now I'm just giggling. Just looking at the breakfast pictures from Fredericton brings back my NASTY-assed hangover from that day. Sheesh. We totally injured ourselves the night before....

On the work side of the spectrum: It was a great tour - pure fun and amazing response from the crowds we played to. It really shocked us that folks responded so well to the four-gal aspect and to the wide spectrum of musical styles. Each of the gals on this tour has talent coming out the wazoo though, so all the superb back up vocals and casio keyboard solos livened up each performance to help highlight whomever was singing lead.

On the play side of the spectrum: So many great times, places and people!

My Favourites:

1) Old Quebec City - Stayed in an old hotel dripping with history and spiral staircases. Walked the cobblestone streets full of opera singers and street performers, wandered down alleys filled to the gills with visual works of art and their makers. Snuck into Chateau Frontenac and posed like we owned it. Tried to speak my broken French and was largely encouraged by the French folks with whom I spoke (though Janine found it funny).

2) Houses in Halifax - Almost all of the houses in Halifax are made of wood and are painted all sorts of funky colours. Totally my cup of tea. We stayed with Mike, Carol and Greg and with Jenn & Paul, and both houses were divinely decorated and very homey. How completely sweet of everyone who allowed us to crash at their place on this tour! Big thank yous to Jay & Allison, Erich & the boys, Mike, Jenn & Paul, Debbie and Aaron.

3) ALL THE SHOWS! - I can't really say which show was the best, because they all had wonderful aspects. Our set really developed as we travelled, and I think we generally performed really really well at each stop. The CDs (our individual ones and the Group Compilation CD) sold far beyond our expectations which was good because then we could buy gas.

4) Melissa's pants around her ankles in front of a truck stop window (some times long van rides call for un-doing the pants - who can blame her?)

5) Lisa taking "the kids" to the Magnetic Mountain - what a bizarre thing to base an entire tourist attraction around!

6) Janine taking random pictures of people on the street without asking - sounds uninteresting but it was TOTALLY funny. Just the looks on people's faces when Janine would snap their picture and keep walking.

7) Giggle fits about the town of "Quispamsis" (aka: Q-Town)

8) Giggle fits about the word "pants"

9) Giggle fits about the lyrics to the "Jem and the Holligrams" theme song

10) Seeing my family in Ottawa

11) Bar Diana - everything about it! From the crazy regulars in suits, to the singing couple, to our debut performance at this fine Montreal establishment (singing along to a computer track....)

12) Sharing the stage and so much time with three other amazing gals. Truly a wonderful experience. Every mother folkin' minute was the bomb diggy yo.

Over and out.
*E